This Way
by Midnight Mustang
Summary: Angua has talked of leaving Carrot, but she's never thought of what it would be like not to have him. Wolves don't have a way to deal with grief.


AN: I do not own Discworld the characters, or the songs that happened to be an inspiration.

This oneshot is written proof of why I should never have access to writing utensils, Flamin' Hot Corn Chips, and depressing songs in any combination.

This thing probably the most depressing thing I have ever written. Really, I don't think it's bad though. I love it and hate it.

Angua may be OOC, but I think in the given circumstances, she would be a bit. . . different.

Reviews would be much appreciated. I want to what other people thought about this.

Just so you know, it's pouring rain, so it actually fits the mood well here. If it's bright and sunny wherever you are, sorry. Just imagine the freezing cold.

Song: "Probably Wouldn't Be This Way" by LeAnn Rimes, a tiny bit of "Close" by Rascal Flatts.

WARNINGS: Overuse of punctuation marks. And of course:

EXTREMELY SAD!!!

With that said, on with the depressing fic.

Third Person POV

Many people watched sadly as the woman passed by. No one said anything. There was nothing that could be said.

The whole city seemed even grungier than usual to Angua. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, she thought dryly. It seems the lack of beauty is also.

She walked without purpose. She didn't feel like one was needed. This happened a lot lately; there was nothing for her to do when she was off duty. She wandered around the city he had loved so much, and wondered if it would ever look the same. She knew, subconsciously, that it wouldn't. It would never look the same because it would never be the same.

It seemed to fit almost disgustingly well that the sky was a horrifyingly dark shade of gray. Her instincts, the same ones that told her to chase chickens, were telling her that she better take shelter for this storm was going to be a gnarly one. Her other instincts told them to shut up, something they had been doing a lot lately. A wolf didn't really have a way to deal with grief.

It was surprisingly easy to deal with the urge to change. The full moon was that night, and she hadn't transformed since it had happened.

Angua, for the first time in a while, dreaded the full moon.

She continued to walk, mentally counting down the hours until she was going to have to face the horrible beast that was sleep.

She didn't walk because it was soothing. She didn't walk because she needed to get out of the Watch house. She didn't walk because it gave her something to do.

Angua walked because it was what he would have done, if he was in such a situation.

Many people thought she was slowly going insane. She walked around the city almost around the clock. Who else would walk around Ankh-Morpork constantly?

Well, just about any other copper, but one only had to walk into the Watch house to know that crazy people and the Watch were one and the same.

So Angua walked. And walked. And walked, until she came to the one place she hadn't been to in her many days of wandering. She froze, and not from the temperature.

Her eyes traveled down the rows of headstones. After the names _John Keel _and_ Reginald Shoe, _her eyes skipped until they found the one that had been the cause of her grief for the past two weeks.

_Carrot Ironfoundersson_.

She didn't know why exactly she was walking toward the headstone, but she told herself she didn't need a reason. Or, to be more correct, she didn't want a reason.

Angua knelt down and stared. Now that she was here, she didn't really know what to do. She'd only known two other people that had died whom she was close to, and both of their graves were in Überwald.

Talking seemed like the best idea. She hadn't truly talked to anyone in ages. Then again, she wasn't sure if talking to a headstone was truly talking to someone.

She sighed. It really shouldn't be this complicated.

"Carrot. . ." Angua started, in the same tone she might use if he was being exceptionally naïve. "You know, you really screwed everyone up."

The headstone said nothing. In a way, Angua was relieved. It was nice to know she hadn't yet crossed that line of insanity.

"We don't really know what to do. It's really pathetic, actually."

She glanced around her, making sure that no one was listening. Everyone already thought she was insane; she didn't need to give them proof.

"The entire Watch is depressed. Nobby hasn't stolen anything in forever. Well, he tried to, but he stopped after he thought nobody had seen him. It's like he hasn't got the heart to nick anything if someone's not going to yell at him for it.

"Cheri tries to cheer me up. I think she's finally given up, though. Now she just spends every single moment working. I think Vimes sent her home after the third straight day without sleep.

"Vimes. . . he's really screwed up, although apparently it's hard to tell. I'm surprised no one else notices; he's so depressed at the moment that I could smell it on him as a human. I even caught him doing _paperwork_ the other day. I know it won't get done without you, but. . . it's like. . . well, it's just not _right_. . .

"I think he'll be okay eventually. Sibyl will take care of him. She's good at that.

"And me. . . It's not like I don't have all the support any person could need. The first few days after. . . well, obviously you know what. . . they just flowed in. You had a lot of friends, Carrot; I try not to deceive myself. They were there for you more than for me.

"Still, you might have been surprised who showed up. Moist von Lipwig, the guy who runs the post office, and his girlfriend, the girl who runs the Golem Trust came by. They didn't stay long.

"Susan Sto Helit came by. I've never heard of her before, but we talked for a while; she seemed to have experience with death; makes you wonder what happened to her. She said I should try to get on with life; it would be easier for everyone.

"But, still, I'm not. . . not the same. I probably never will be."

Angua paused to think about that last statement. It seemed to fit correctly; she doubted _anyone_ would be the same, the same way the city wouldn't.

"I know that I talked about leaving a lot, but _I_ was supposed to leave _you_! You weren't supposed to leave me! Especially not like _this_! If I had left, only you would have missed me, and then you would have gotten over it! This way, Carrot. . . The whole city misses you. . . And I don't think anyone is going to get over it. . . Not anytime soon, anyway. . .

"Now I just wish that I had just left. I probably should have left years ago, when I started feeling. . . something for you. That way, we'd both be happier. Or not maybe happier but you'd probably be alive and I would be back in Überwald or Quirm or somewhere that's not here at your grave feeling like crying for the first time since we left Überwald after you followed me there.

"At the same time. . . I've been happier than I think I ever have been in the past few years. . . but at the moment, I don't think I ever been more. . . depressed."

Angua angrily brushed away tears she hadn't known were there.

"I don't know if I had left. . . How long I would have stayed away. I probably would have come back. . . And then would it have turned out the same?

"It feels like it's my fault. . . If I had left and had the willpower to stay away. . . Would you still be gone and would I read about it in newspaper somewhere or hear it in some offhand remark? Would _everything_ happen the same?"

Angua gave up on trying to clear her vision. There wasn't a whole bunch she wanted to see. She rapidly moved onto to another topic of the world without Carrot.

"Your parents, Carrot. . . They were so. . . _nice_. There only son had just. . . died. . . and they were asking how I was, what they could do. . . I probably should have said something but I was still. . . in shock. We all were; it didn't seem possible to anybody that you could be gone. They were saying how they were so glad to finally meet me; they just wished it was happier and that. . . you could be there."

At this point she had to choke back a sob. She swallowed any other sounds. If she had to bawl in this miserable excuse for a graveyard at her fiancé's grave then, dammit, she was going to do it _after_ she finished her rant.

"They didn't care about me being a werewolf or anything! They didn't even mention it! And I know you told them, because you told me about it!"

She didn't care anymore that she wasn't making sense. She didn't care that she was probably attracting stares from the people on the street. She didn't really care about anything but the headstone in front of her.

"I'm still sleeping in your room. It still smells like you and you know, smells are important to werewolves. So do your shirts. . . I keep thinking that, eventually, they're not going to smell like you anymore. That thought. . . It's like. . . like having you die all over again.

"I have nightmares, even with your smell still there. I didn't have them before. . . You would know. I'm usually the thing people see in their nightmares, not the one experiencing them. But they've been horrible. . . Apparently I thrash around a lot too. . . Vimes was working late on _paperwork_ and he actually came in, woke me up, and said I made less noise sleeping with you than without you.

"That hurt more than it should've. He abruptly realized that that hadn't been a smart thing to say. . . right after I growled at him to get the hell out.

"He got out of there so fast he almost took his smell with him. But the fact that I didn't automatically change when someone was in the room, and not even when he woke me up was something. I know I've even changed even when you just get up in the morning. . . not lately though.

"I know I haven't lost the ability to change, it's not like that. Tonight's the full moon. . . And I'm scared, Carrot. I know I will change, but into what? When I first met you, it was still a struggle to stay away from humans during the full moon. . . It got easier and easier to the point where I could patrol with you on the full moon in the middle of the night. . . But without you. . . I think I might become the monster in other's nightmares."

Angua's voice had gone down to a low whisper.

"What if I turn into Wolfgang? Carrot, you promised you would stop me if I did! Well, guess what?! You're not here! Now what?"

Her voice had gone back up in volume. She took in a shaky breath and tried to relax. She reminded herself that anger wasn't going to help her _not_ turn out like her brother. She hadn't realized it had started to snow until now, when it stopped. Everything, including herself, had been given a light covering of snow. It would have been peaceful if Angua hadn't known it would be turned to various shades of grays and browns by the everlasting dirt of Ankh-Morpork in a few hours.

"You broke so many promises, Carrot. You promised you would be the one to stop me if the worst happened. You promised you would marry me someday. You promised you wouldn't be the one to leave me. Dammit, Carrot, you bloody _promised_!"

She didn't try to hold back anymore she let sobs and tears escape with her spasmodic words. She was used to people breaking promises, but not Carrot. Never Carrot. And never like this.

"I truly thought you would be the one person who would actually keep the promises you made. I thought it would work out. I thought this would be the one place where I didn't have to run from. You were the one person in this world who I honestly thought loved me. And you had to go and get yourself killed. You just had to be the hero. You never thought what the place you tried to save would do without you, did you? What I would do? Did you ever think about that?

"The one person I loved the most is the one hurting me the most. How twisted is that? I know I didn't say it a whole lot Carrot, but. . . I loved you. I still do. I don't think I ever won't."

Her sobbing took on a new force. All that came out of her mouth after that were indecipherable sounds.

Later that night, people would walk past the graveyard glowing in the moonlight. They would see the wolf curled up in the snow, and remark how the gods must have given the Captain a guardian.

Little did they know it was the other way around.

In the poorly kept graveyard, on top of a pile of clothes, for the first in two weeks, Angua slept peacefully.


End file.
